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Abuse and the enablers
Something to think about
Each day seems to bring more news on historical and recent abuses.
Abuse of power, abuse of control, abuse of humanity, abuse of the vulnerable.
Abuse is abuse.
The definition of abuse is
to use(something) to bad effect, or for a bad purpose
treat with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly
as a noun it can be defined as
the improper use of something
cruel and violent treatment of a person or animal.
I am going to make a disclaimer here and now that as a professional and personally I have had quite the exposure to abuse over the years.
Confirmation bias is something that I think about quite a lot, especially when I am giving evidence within a court room and get accused of it, normally by the barrister of the accused abuser. However I always approach abuse from a balanced perspective.
I want to talk today about something that is never really touched upon in all of these abuse narratives, cases or discourse.
The role of the enabler in all abuse.
Enabling within abuse can take place within the following behaviours -
Cleaning up the mess
Hiding an abuser’s dysfunctional actions from public view
Absorbing the negative consequences of someone else’s abusive choices
Refusing to confront when exposed to all types of abuse
Regurgitating the Abuser’s version of events without seeking evidence outside of their viewpoint
Revictimising the abuser’s victim by gaslighting, denial or skapegoating
Keeping secrets for the abuser
Enablers make it so simple for abusers to carry on their behaviour and make it more difficult for the abused to be able to undertand what has happened to them and more importantly to move away from that behaviour.
Having observed and researched much enabling abusive behaviour there seems to be an extreme self serving protective element to it. In that there is a lack of principle and integrity toward what human behaviours are desirable and enable growth.
What seems to be allowed is the role of the ‘flying monkey’ (reference to those characters who supported the wicked witch in The wizard of Oz) in that they often utilise manipulative tactice and further the agenda of both the abuser and the context in which the abuser is operating in.
Flying monkeys contribite to the whole emotional paradigm that keeps victims victimised and reinforce the power and control of the abuser.
This is evident in all the abuse that is being exposed in the public domain.
Why do organisations now need ‘investigations’?
When the abuse happened it did not happen in isolation. People saw, people heard, people stood by, people enabled.
An abuser seldom acts by themselves.
There are always others who aid and abet the abusers either because they are furthering their own agenda, have fear that the abuser will turn on them, that they will suffer at the hands of the abuser and/or other enablers, or simply because they are too weak or do not care to stand up and be counted.
These are hardly the actions of good human beings.
Yet, particularly in the public domain, these people have control over influences, agendas, narrative, ‘programming’ and general discourse.
They simply do not have the integrity nor the decent human values to be given the gift of influencing the nation.
It would be refreshing to see the downfall of the enablers as much as the abusers.
Those who organise the potential victims of the abusers.
Come on, pick the four prety girls out of an audience? What do you think is going to happen? A civilised tea party?
Those enablers who know how predatory an abuser is yet does not do anything about it other than look after themself.
Those who come out years after the event in the guise of ‘greater good’. Where were you when these abusers were getting away with abuse?
Those who choose to gaslight and portray victims in a certain way, so the victims then surely ‘deserve’ what they got.
The organisations who see bad behaviour as financially viable and lucrative.
The corporations who have consistently allowed abusers to be given a platform.
The producers who produce programmes that give permission for abusive behaviour in the guise of ‘its only a bit of fun’.
Those who do not value all humans and the human experience.
All of the enablers need to be named as much as the abusers do.
Abuse and trauma affect the centrall nervous system in so many damaging ways.
The brain becomes vigilant to danger, it becomes familiar with fear, memories are superimposed with emotions that cause disconnect not connection.
The stress hormones lead the body to wear out.
The brain changes structurally, and craves a fairy tale version of humanity rather than the abusive one it has had. This leads to further isolation.
Normalisation of stress and trauma leads to habituation where individuals no longer even react to abnormal behaviour enacted towards them.
Anyone with any ability to critically think also has to wonder and ponder -
Anyone with any essence of the ability to look, hear and think is able to see these abusers and not be surprised at the litany of accusations thrown at them.
The question should not be ‘have they done it?’ the question should be ‘why is now the time that they are being exposed?’
Too many times I have seen abusers get away with their behaviour, especially in family court where the victim is further victimised by enablers within the public justice system.
Abusers within the public domain also get away with their behaviour to a large extent.
Enablers definitley get away with their behaviour. In all cases enablers are never held accountable.
It is always the victim that holds the most responsibility within a case of abuse.
This needs to stop.
The enablers need to be as accountable as the abuser and the victim in the whole terrible abuse cycle.
How can things ever improve when we have a system that seemingly is ok with the enablers just choosing when and how they divulge what they know?
When we start to hold people accountable then I am sure that the circus will end. The sensationalism will stop. The dramatisation of someone’s experience will cease.
We need to start holding those who have enabled cruel and violent treatment of others to account.
They need to take responsibility for what they have done, even if that is just to stand by and do nothing.
Ask the question ‘Why did you do nothing?’
Until we get comfortable with confronting uncomfortable nothing will ever change.
This is a fact from an expert in brain and behavioural change.
And if we no not get comfortable with the uncomfortable then we are saying that we want everything to remain exactly the same.
To stop the abuse of anything we need to confront all aspects of it.
Especially those who enable it.
“There are far too many silent sufferers. Not because they don't yearn to reach out, but because they've tried and found no one who cares.”